In the end, I'm here again

I can't believe I fell into the same hole again.

It's been Years. And I still keep making the same mistake. Falling for someone who doesn't like me and at best just tolerates me. 

Why do I have to go through this pain over and over again? Is it my destiny and fate to always be the pitiful girl? Do I not deserve love? Why does everyone around me have it so easy for their love life?

The one I like just keeps on disappointing me. I keep giving my all.. while he just doesn't try at all. 

Being infatuated causes me more harm than good. I love myself so I will stop.

Stop myself for giving my all to someone undeserving

Stop myself for falling and tolerating all his bullshit

Stop telling myself that it's okay

It's not. 

In short : Not Dead

I can't believe I forgot about this blog I created during my mid-college life crisis.

So, hello old me!
Now you're a responsible  adult trying to navigate the society. Still the same olf me who hates everyone including herself.

You may not believe me, but I've comeback to KPop after being betrayed by the disbandment of TVXQ back then. I need my emotional support KPop Boy, after all, to get through my day.

The 21-year-old me also won't believe that I'm working in Lampung, hundreds of miles away from Jakarta. I've taken a leap of faith in working in a rural area instead of big cities where I spent almost all of my life.

Things have been hard. The food here sucks. However, I can learn a lot here. I met so many people who have such diverse personality. Especially all my LEAP companion, we have a quite strong bond. 20 of us are stranded here in the middle of nowhere, we have no one except ourselves to survive, so we depend and help each other the best that we can. Of course, disagreement happens but we try our best to solve it together.

Rather than furthering my knowledge or some kind of personal development, I think I learn more about co-existing with others.

Lately, I'm very jealous of this friend of mine. She's pretty, smart, kind, hmm maybe all the things that men ever wanted. Every time she talks everyone is so invested.
I'm very pissed at her I even muted her tweets. When will this toxic side of mine disappear? Or is this a permanent thing that all humanity has? I don't know why am I writing this, maybe to sort out my thought. I guess it helped, kinda.

I have to be grateful for what I have, I know. I have to count all my blessing.

However, the scary thought that everyone hates me. That I'm not good enough to be their friend is terrifying.

Try to grow up, self. This life is not all about you.
Somehow I wonder about this statement. Why can't we want happiness for ourselves more than someone's else's happiness?
I don't think I need someone else's happiness. Why must it matter to us?

I'm really rambling now. I pushed all the people who say that they like me. Nothing new. 3 years later and nothing new.

11/9

A Torch Against the Night- Sabaa Tahir, pg 251

2/7

I've been preparing for this but it still hurts indeed lol

5/22

--We are bombarded and overwhelmed with a surplus of useless information to keep our minds distracted, always jumping from topic to topic, never fully listening to ourselves--

--But we’re taught to be afraid of solitude, because those at the top know the power that lies in a person who knows themselves.--

Whether I realize it or not, this has been going for years in my life. Expectation, pride, ego, and sometimes the most powerful is, people’s opinion of us. I become what people expect us to be not who I want to be. I listen to what other people said more than my own tiny voice inside of my own hearts. So, the consequence is, I keep feeling miserable because I’m contradicting myself each day. I feel miserable too when I cannot fulfill the thing that, at first, I thought to be the cure of this depression, when it’s actually not. I’m just feeding my pride and ego, but not my soul.

Also now in this society, we were shamed if we don’t have someone special who we can call boyfriend or girlfriend. In family gathering, the topic of your academic will only be mentioned briefly while the rest of the talk was about your personal life. For those who don’t have that special someone will be getting nasty comment like “Masa umur segini belum punya pacar?” and such.

What got me thinking was, how far do you actually know yourself? Have you already known yourself so deeply and thoroughly, so you decided that it’s time to start to getting knew another person? I doubt that. Because when you actually know someone or something, you would do everything in your power to protect it. Imagine when you see a stray cat vs a cat, that you knew or played with before, being bullied by a bunch of kids. Of course your first instinct was to protect it, but you would feel more strongly for the later because it means something to you. The same logic can be applied here. If you really know yourself, you wouldn’t do something that would hurt yourself, like keep chasing people who don’t give a damn about you or even staying in a toxic relationship.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I do think now that I don’t know myself enough, I keep doing things that hurt me. like drowning myself on sad songs or stories, and I’m addicted to it. I also think that being alone is scary. Not having someone to depend on is horrifying. Driven by this fear, I keep searching for a person who matches the perfect image in my mind and keep failing miserably, and ended up getting hurt over and over. So maybe now, it’s time to stop this useless Quest and focus on getting to know myself better so that I can protect myself better.

I’m sorry for being so harsh on you, all this years, Self. I’m sorry for listening to what other people said, instead of listening to you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect you better. Maybe not instant, but I will try to change. Everything.

Inspired by this painfull honest article written by Diana Ozoria

Reactions

If falling in love is like a chemical reactions, then to form a product, first you need to break the one that you already have. If you still can't let go of the first one, then it's not love.

Light and Darkness

Once upon a time there lived Light and Darkness. Light have always been living glamorously with all the sparkles and sunshine, meanwhile darkness lives a humble and content life with shadow by his side. After series of unfortunates events, Light suddenly decided that she adores Darkness. 

Why did I say unfortunate? Because that was the start of Light’s downfall. Light always try to get closer to Darkness, but like the nature speaks for them, Light’s efforts were all futile. Instead of giving up, even if Light now that she’s hurting herself, she kept pushing through until someday a miracle happened. By now, Shadow’s not by Darkness’ side anymore, but like the shadow she is, she’s actually still there, hovering, unable to move on. After that miracle, Light and Darkness become closer than ever, the stupid idiot Light failed to realize that no matter how hard she tried to shine on Darkness, in the end it’s all for nothing. 

For the Light is too lost on her head, dazzled by her own glow, she failed to realize that instead of giving Darkness warmth, the later actually only cringe and feels tired of it all. All the presents, past, and future but Darkness unable to understand why Light gone through all of that. It made Darkness feels guilty, even though guilt and pity is the last thing Light actually want. Light, the naïve Light just keep thinking that maybe if she put enough effort, Darkness would someday feel happy. 

She was so wrong. 

She didn’t realize this until one day Light and Darkness actually went out together in broad daylight. Suddenly from across the road, Darkness saw Purple, Magenta and Red and suddenly Darkness left just like that. Light was shocked and baffled by how Darkness reacted. 

A tiny voice inside her head said, “Yes he’s that embarrassed to be seen with you, he’s embarrassed of you, he doesn’t want people to misunderstood, he doesn’t want to actually be seen with you”. 

Like the masochist she is, she kept repeating those sentences over and over again until she believed that’s what actually happened. She should’ve confirmed it with Darkness herself, but somehow she didn’t do that. People said there are some things that better left unknown and I think this is one of that. Unknown to Darkness, those action has scarred Light’s heart forever. 

On the bright side, Light’s eyes has been opened since that day. She heard the old phrase in her head, some things aren’t just meant to be, self. She convinced himself to stop. Stop everything. Stop trying, stop her feelings. Then she realized she needs something to do to forget all her pain. By becoming The Ultimate Light, she said, eager to prove herself. Now, with the half broken heart, she set out a new, hard, and painful journey.