11/9

A Torch Against the Night- Sabaa Tahir, pg 251

2/7

I've been preparing for this but it still hurts indeed lol

5/22

--We are bombarded and overwhelmed with a surplus of useless information to keep our minds distracted, always jumping from topic to topic, never fully listening to ourselves--

--But we’re taught to be afraid of solitude, because those at the top know the power that lies in a person who knows themselves.--

Whether I realize it or not, this has been going for years in my life. Expectation, pride, ego, and sometimes the most powerful is, people’s opinion of us. I become what people expect us to be not who I want to be. I listen to what other people said more than my own tiny voice inside of my own hearts. So, the consequence is, I keep feeling miserable because I’m contradicting myself each day. I feel miserable too when I cannot fulfill the thing that, at first, I thought to be the cure of this depression, when it’s actually not. I’m just feeding my pride and ego, but not my soul.

Also now in this society, we were shamed if we don’t have someone special who we can call boyfriend or girlfriend. In family gathering, the topic of your academic will only be mentioned briefly while the rest of the talk was about your personal life. For those who don’t have that special someone will be getting nasty comment like “Masa umur segini belum punya pacar?” and such.

What got me thinking was, how far do you actually know yourself? Have you already known yourself so deeply and thoroughly, so you decided that it’s time to start to getting knew another person? I doubt that. Because when you actually know someone or something, you would do everything in your power to protect it. Imagine when you see a stray cat vs a cat, that you knew or played with before, being bullied by a bunch of kids. Of course your first instinct was to protect it, but you would feel more strongly for the later because it means something to you. The same logic can be applied here. If you really know yourself, you wouldn’t do something that would hurt yourself, like keep chasing people who don’t give a damn about you or even staying in a toxic relationship.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I do think now that I don’t know myself enough, I keep doing things that hurt me. like drowning myself on sad songs or stories, and I’m addicted to it. I also think that being alone is scary. Not having someone to depend on is horrifying. Driven by this fear, I keep searching for a person who matches the perfect image in my mind and keep failing miserably, and ended up getting hurt over and over. So maybe now, it’s time to stop this useless Quest and focus on getting to know myself better so that I can protect myself better.

I’m sorry for being so harsh on you, all this years, Self. I’m sorry for listening to what other people said, instead of listening to you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect you better. Maybe not instant, but I will try to change. Everything.

Inspired by this painfull honest article written by Diana Ozoria

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If falling in love is like a chemical reactions, then to form a product, first you need to break the one that you already have. If you still can't let go of the first one, then it's not love.

Light and Darkness

Once upon a time there lived Light and Darkness. Light have always been living glamorously with all the sparkles and sunshine, meanwhile darkness lives a humble and content life with shadow by his side. After series of unfortunates events, Light suddenly decided that she adores Darkness. 

Why did I say unfortunate? Because that was the start of Light’s downfall. Light always try to get closer to Darkness, but like the nature speaks for them, Light’s efforts were all futile. Instead of giving up, even if Light now that she’s hurting herself, she kept pushing through until someday a miracle happened. By now, Shadow’s not by Darkness’ side anymore, but like the shadow she is, she’s actually still there, hovering, unable to move on. After that miracle, Light and Darkness become closer than ever, the stupid idiot Light failed to realize that no matter how hard she tried to shine on Darkness, in the end it’s all for nothing. 

For the Light is too lost on her head, dazzled by her own glow, she failed to realize that instead of giving Darkness warmth, the later actually only cringe and feels tired of it all. All the presents, past, and future but Darkness unable to understand why Light gone through all of that. It made Darkness feels guilty, even though guilt and pity is the last thing Light actually want. Light, the naïve Light just keep thinking that maybe if she put enough effort, Darkness would someday feel happy. 

She was so wrong. 

She didn’t realize this until one day Light and Darkness actually went out together in broad daylight. Suddenly from across the road, Darkness saw Purple, Magenta and Red and suddenly Darkness left just like that. Light was shocked and baffled by how Darkness reacted. 

A tiny voice inside her head said, “Yes he’s that embarrassed to be seen with you, he’s embarrassed of you, he doesn’t want people to misunderstood, he doesn’t want to actually be seen with you”. 

Like the masochist she is, she kept repeating those sentences over and over again until she believed that’s what actually happened. She should’ve confirmed it with Darkness herself, but somehow she didn’t do that. People said there are some things that better left unknown and I think this is one of that. Unknown to Darkness, those action has scarred Light’s heart forever. 

On the bright side, Light’s eyes has been opened since that day. She heard the old phrase in her head, some things aren’t just meant to be, self. She convinced himself to stop. Stop everything. Stop trying, stop her feelings. Then she realized she needs something to do to forget all her pain. By becoming The Ultimate Light, she said, eager to prove herself. Now, with the half broken heart, she set out a new, hard, and painful journey.

10/4/2016

You said earlier that you're not happy anymore cos you don't have a crush on someone.

But dear, let me tell you something

Don't ever give the key to your happiness to someone else. Hold the key yourself and find your own happiness.

02/04

Quotes of the day from a book that I'm reading now

“People are full of things you don’t know but that doesn’t mean they’re secrets; you just don’t know everything yet.” He lets go. “And that’s good, otherwise you’d have no reason to talk anymore.”

11/3/2016

Maybe it's time to stop, take a step back and contemplate.

Because some things aren't just meant to be, Dis.

Random cat pic cos I just miss my cat so much ;_;

Happy Wedding Anniversary, my ideal couple

On this day, 26 years ago, a bond was forged
On this day, 26 years ago, a girl and a boy vowed to each other
To always cherish each other in good and bad times
To build a new future together

First, I want to thank God, to make my dad  and mom met on highschool. My dad who's a social butterfly and my mom who's an introvert. You would think those two wouldn't have meet, but thank God they did and they make the best parent ever.

Those two were highschool lovebirds. It was all started from a letter, pretty old-fashioned but still, very cute. My grandpa were very strict to my dad, how could he not, a boy was intending to steal his girl's heart. Eventhough grandpa is hella scary, my father stays and puts up with all of it.
I wouldn't have be able to do that! You should know it's terrifying. However my father's will is stronger and the couple continue until highschool ends

My mom and dad both got accepted without testing to ITB and IPB such a small difference in letter however the distance is big. Yup, the so called 'LDR' these days. Now, we have line, whatsapp or even video call but even with all of that, many LDR couple easily break off. My dad and mom had none of that but alhamdulillah they survived until both of them graduate. They just survived on letter and my father's visit. Eventhough he's a student too (and didn't have a lot of money) whenever he can, my father caught a bus to Bandung. Letters only come every 2 or 3 weeks, while their love stays strong. It's a wonder, really. I'm so touched by this ;"(( *insert crying sound*

So, both of them graduate on time! Yeeay! My mother's thesis was about plants so my father who was on IPB, helped her through all. After they both got stable work, they decided to get married.

So this is the second heartbreaking part. My grandpa was only just moved to Bandung and didn't knew that many people (and probably didn't have too many money neither). So my parents had their wedding on my grandpa's house.. not grand and lavish likr all my mother's brother. After being together so long, I would want to have my wedding big or something but no,my parents understand the reason and they had their reception on the house..

Eventhough the reception was only held in a house.. 26 years later, they're still happily and romantically together. Instead of those celebrities with grand wedding but then get a divorce 6 months later. Of course those 26 years weren't all sunshine and rainbows. Some days storm and flood came up, but they held together. Such an ideal couple for me...

Mom, dad, later if I have the money I'd really want you both to have the wedding that you both dream about. Maybe on your 50th anniversary? Hehe so you both have to stay health ok? Until you can see me success and making both of you happy

-your daughter
26 Februari 2016
Happy 26th wedding anniversary, Mom, Dad

23/2/2016

It's hard being near you. Hard to see you're closer to my friend than I do. To think that I barely even talk to him today but your friend gets to spend a lot of time with him. It's okay I'm strong it's okay

22/2/2016

One of my friend did something horribly stupid yesterday. We were threading on a thin line and she just blew it all up. Now I don't have the guts for facing him anymore. I guess this is the inevitable good bye.

GUESS WHAAAT

Surprise doesn't even cover it. When my lazy Sunday morning suddenly became so much chaotic.

But thank you, nonetheless.

2/13/2016

I just had to write this down.

So, yesterday, I saw you a side of me that you didn't know before. The uglier side of me, but still me, nonetheless. I fear your reaction so, at first, I tried to runaway from it. Run from showing myself, be myself. But then, the chance never came and by some twisted kind of fate you end up witnessing it.

I... had imagined the worst. Imagined you would become so repulsed, so disgusted that what we have, this thin line, will break forever. The first 12 hours after that moment had been the proved. There were nothing from you, nothing, nothing at all, and it broke me. I feel like my worst nightmare has come true.

I tried to accept it, tried to reason myself that you deserved this, Self, you deserve it.

However, the desperate, attention-seeking part of me won't let that. Drown in my misery, I just had to write that status down. The blanched status that made me feel that, I am, indeed, an attention seeking wench. No one would care, this would be another scroll by post, but he didn't do that.

Instead, we finally talk like the usual, like the yesterday's incident never happened. Like the radio-silence never happened. I don't want to be broken, fixed only by your attention, but I think I already am, and I hate it. Hate this pitiful side of me who promised won't fell to deep but look now?

The Girl's Story

So this piece of writing was done during a blackout in my home. With no internet, hopefully I can be more focused and not getting distracted by whatever.

I’d like to begin this in old-fashioned way, so I’d like to start with..

Once upon a time, there lived an ordinary girl in ordinary house with no extraordinary power. Even though she is so ordinary, the girl loves fairytale, legends, or whatever story that has people with superpowers in it. She, especially like the stories which have pretty princess possessing a big heart with plus of having magic and got a very happy ending. Her childhood is filled with hope and dream of becoming a princess in a beautiful kingdom with a handsome prince beside her. Like most of all childhood dream, the dream is soon buried and forgotten as the little girl grow up.

Now the girl is 20 and she, once again, is fascinated by the princess, kingdom and all the magical powers. Most of the novels she read now featured a very cool heroine who is set on saving the world from a ruthless king or from a wicked evil being. Of course, not every heroine is damn awesome from the start, they also has to struggle, to be beaten again and again and to fell hard. Although at the end, the heroine would always, always got her way. The girl now feels sad. In 2016 where there is no more ruthless king to defeat or there are no magical beings with powerful secret artefacts, she felt that there is no more chance of her to be the cool heroine like in her novels.

She doesn’t realize how wrong she was until a lecture in Friday morning, awoke her

In her novels, maybe this is like the time when the main character finally set his heart on the goal, when finally, something opened her eyes, like a revelation. The girl felt something similar with that even without the thunder or the earthquake. She can too, save the world here, in 2016.

Her world now, is facing a grave danger not less dangerous than a dragon or a goblin attack. What her world will be facing is the end of the supply of fossil fuels, which will affect not only in her transportation but almost all of her life’s aspect. Does everyone in her world know that even the clothes they wear and the rice they eat almost every day is the product of fossil fuels either direct and indirectly? The people in her world now are being too dependent to their fossil fuels, while forgetting that it is not unlimited and it needs millions or even billions years to make it again.

Realizing this fact, the girl, once saddened because she felt that she doesn’t have the magic to save anyone, now feel different. She feels that it is her role now, to save her world, not now but maybe 20 or 30 years later. She found her new dream from the 50 minutes lecture she got from her professor. She would be a heroine in food industry, the one who’s going to ensure that there will still be good food available.

So for the sake of that dream, the girl started to practice. Maybe not practicing with bow or with swords like all the heroines in her novel, but by using books and pens, to later face her greatest own enemy. This world even if it’s at peace, still need saving, a nd who’s better than the girl and you, who’s reading this, to save it?

1/12/2016

I want to get close to you, surely I do. But at the same time I don't want you to be part of my daily life because then I'd be devastated when you leave.